Bill, this is George … we have a problem!

Chelsea:               

“Hello.”

George:

“Hi Chelsea, it’s the President.”

Chelsea:

“Al?”

George:

“No, George, George Bush.   Is your dad around?”

Chelsea:

“Oh, just a second, I’ll check.   Dad, telephone.   It’s for you.”

Bill:

“Not now, honey, I’m busy.  Who is it anyway?”

Chelsea:

“It’s your tenant.”

Bill:

“Oh, I’d better take it.   Hi, George.   How are you doing?   How are Laura and the girls?”

George:

“We’re all fine, thanks for asking.  And you?”

Bill:

“Trying to keep busy.” 

George:

“I’m sure.  How’s Hillary?”

Bill:

“She and her speech writers seem to be having a hell of a good time at your expense.   Say, I’m sure you’ve been following the results in Iowa and New Hampshire.”

George:

“God, weren’t they depressing.   In fact, that’s why I called; Bill, I think we have a problem.”

Bill:

“I know.  It was the ultimate reality show”

George:

“I can’t understand how Howard screwed things up so badly for us.   All he had to do before Iowa was to write himself a prescription for valium and take a handful every day so as not to loose  his cool … and he’d have won in a cake walk.   But, no … he had to play the angry man!”

Bill:

“Sort of like a woman scorned.”

George:

“You certainly know how that feels, don’t you?”

Bill:

“Be nice, George.   Actually, he might have salvaged the evening until he drove his campaign truck over the cliff at full speed with his take-the-coat-off and roll-up-the-sleeves concession tirade.”

George:

“No kidding, he sounded like a man possessed!   A Dean win would have made him a prohibitive favorite to deal Kerry a knock out blow in New Hampshire.   After that, the only way he could have lost the nomination is if his body somehow reached room temperature.”

Bill:

“Well, New Hampshire didn’t work out so well either and there are still five viable candidates if you include Wes and Joe.”

George:

“Now that you bring it up, I’ve been meaning to ask you about him.   I thought our plan was for Dean to win the nomination … giving me another George McGovern to dismantle in the general election and thus leaving no incumbent Democrat in 2008.”

Bill:

“Well, Hillary thought that in the event that something happened to Dean down the road, we’d better have one of our candidates in the wings.   Unfortunately, Wes’ campaign has been pretty impotent … and besides, George, you know you could have trusted us to convince him to step aside if necessary.”

George:

“Whatever.   However, those plans are now ancient history.   If, as my people believe will happen, one or both of the two Johns have really strong showings in most of the sevens states on Tuesday, Lieberman and Clark could be down the toilet and Dean running on fumes and his bank book!”

Bill:

“I know, Hillary already made that point painfully clear to me … about ten o’clock each of the last two Tuesday evenings.  I assume you still believe you can beat both of them?”

George:

“If Kerry gets the nod, we should be in really good shape.  Karl and his team have had that campaign all scripted for more than a year.   Don’t forget how well the last Massachusetts Democrat did when he ran against my dad.”

Bill:

“That means you’ll get your second term and Hillary can begin her run right after your inauguration next January.”

George:

“However, Edwards is another story … our worst nightmare; young, JFK looks and charisma, little if any political or personal baggage and, although he’s almost as far left as your wife, he seems to have a lot of support in enough southern states to give our reelection gurus fits about our ability to win this fall.”

Bill:

“If he gets the nomination, maybe he’d offer Hillary the Vice Presidency.”

George:

“In your dreams!” 

Bill:

“I suppose you’re right.   But, if Edwards or Kerry beat you, there’s going to be hell to pay around here!   Hillary won’t be able to run until 2012.   Can you imagine what life for me will be like for the next eight years?   Maybe you could let me hide out at your ranch from time to time.”

George:

“We’ve both got a lot at stake, Bill.”

Bill:

“What do you think we should do?”

George:

“Well, I might ask Dick to see if Halliburton would offer Edwards a job as CEO or something.”

Bill:

“George, this is serious stuff.”

George:

“Maybe I could dump Cheney and ask Hillary to run on my ticket.  We’d be a shoo in and she’d be even better positioned for ’08.”

Bill:

“Now there’s an idea which will never happen, although it might be fun to float the idea and watch Limbaugh, Beck and Hannity go off the deep end.”  

George:

“I just had another depressing thought.  What if Kerry gets the nominations and then picks John as his running mate and they beat me.  I’ll be out of a job and that could push Hillary’s run off until she’s in her early 70s

Bill

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”